Thursday, February 16, 2012

Say No to the Good and Yes to the Best!

These last 2 weeks have been the hardest two weeks that I've had in a while.  I haven't had a chance to get caught up on sleep, people and situations are triggering my Bipolar Disorder symptoms and anxiety and I am trying to keep my head above water.

It's difficult living with a Mood Disorder and Brain Disorder.  I may look fine on the outside and have developed skills to cope with everyday issues so that people won't think I'm a freak at times-ha.  But sometimes the littlest things seem like marathons that I'm required to run...like making dinner, calling a friend or relative who calls me over 15 times a day begging for my time...getting out of bed.

I did a training for some patients at Oregon state Hospital through "National Alliance on Mental Illness" a couple weeks ago.  It went great, but took a lot out of me emotionally.  After the workshop, the very next day, our oldest son was very sick and ended up missing 2 1/2 days of school.  He had a sinus infection which he passed along to my husband and then our youngest son in 4th grade who has had it the most severe. Ugh.  Getting up in the middle of the night with sick kids and having sleep deprivation from not allowing myself adequate sleep after doing a 2 day workshop has triggered my mania.

One of my brothers is also going through a very difficult time and I love him to death, but it has drained me mentally and emotionally and again triggered my symptoms.  I don't think people realize that I am not cured of Bipolar Disorder.  I am not well, either!  I understand that they need someone to vent to, but I've had to put boundaries up to keep myself healthy as well.

Coming from a long line of mental illness, my grandma is severely ill with Bipolar Disorder/Schitzoaffective Disorder (Bipolar Disorder with the main symptom being psychosis).  She has been so upset with me over not returning her calls this week that she has threatened me. Ugh.  Manipulation is her tool that she's used all her life.  Not a good survival skill.

So....why can't I just get a cast to put on my head so people KNOW that I am not well and I am sick, too, and struggle like them?  If someone sees a person with a cast on their leg, they don't ask them to run a mile around the track or even walk their dog for them! ha.  Should I just wear a sign that says "I look fine but am broken on the inside"?  Actually, most of us I think would wear that sign! 

I have to learn to keep my healthy boundaries and let the guilt of not answering phone calls or the door just run off of me.  In my past, I would become so hurt and then angry, but I have realized that I know my limits and it's up to me to let others know my limits or I'm not good to anyone.

If you're overwhelmed, stressed out, or just needing some sleep, learn to allow yourself to not answer the phone, return the texts, or answer your door.  Say "No" to things that are good and say "Yes" to things that are the best for you.  Live in the moment and treat yourself with compassion and love because you are a masterpiece!


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